Apathy
by caldera32
Summary: Merlin didn't even notice the day he woke up and no longer cared.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: My moderately long-time readers may remember a span not too long ago when I completely stopped updating for a few months with no warning. Well, this piece is sort of an explanation of that. It's rather watered-down as I can no longer understand just what was going through my head at the time (probably a good thing) but the gist is there. This may be completely uninteresting to read, but I felt the need to attempt writing it so don't mind me.

* * *

It wasn't a gradual thing, but nevertheless Merlin failed to notice the morning he woke up and no longer cared. The morning itself was completely unremarkable on the surface. Gaius called to wake him as usual, but rather than lie in bed and construct elaborate schemes to get him out of work for the day as per usual he simply rolled off the cot and dressed without thinking. The physician was surprised to see his ward appear so soon after being called, but didn't comment. Instead he handed Merlin the hunk of bread he typically ate on his way to the kitchens after getting up late.

"Would you like some porridge? You have the time to eat it."

A grunt was the only reply as the young man walked straight out into the corridor, pulling the door shut behind him. Gaius shook his head and tucked into his own breakfast.

* * *

Merlin made his way to the kitchens, only occasionally answering the many greetings he received with a vague nod of his head. The other servants thought nothing of it, assuming he was still half-asleep from getting up on time. Upon reaching his goal he picked up Arthur and Gwen's breakfasts, sliding his uneaten bread onto the king's plate- that glutton would never complain about receiving more food.

One perfunctory knock later and the servant was laying out the food- Guinevere was always ready and waiting- and dragging Arthur from bed with barely a word spoken. In almost no time at all the king was dressed and seated at the table, food still warm. Blond eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

"Merlin?"

"Hm?"

"Have I done something to offend you?"

"Why would you think that, Sire?"

"Maybe because you just called me 'Sire' and have been behaving like a perfect silent servant- you've practically melted into the shadows!"

"Oh... sorry?" He stepped forward and tried to look more lively.

The royal couple exchanged a look before Guinevere took over.

"Merlin, have you had anything to eat today?"

"Of course," he answered without thinking, then realized he had lied. _Oh well, no sense correcting it- she just wants to offer me food anyway and I've no need._

"You're welcome to more- we have plenty."

He smiled automatically, "I'm perfectly alright- Gaius made some porridge." Normally such an equivocation would be accompanied by a twinge of guilt, but this passed from his lips with no trouble.

Apparently satisfied for the moment, Gwen smiled in return and Arthur cleared his throat.

"Well, now that that's out of the way I'll need you to do the usual chores, Merlin- and make sure you're on time with lunch. Don't think you can be late with another meal just because you were on time with breakfast."

"Certainly," he nodded agreeably and quickly began setting the royal apartment to rights, oblivious to the eyes sneaking furtive glances at him.

* * *

He was giving Arthur's horse a good brushing when Gwaine waltzed into the stables, clearly up to no good. Spying his friend, he sidled up along side him.  
"So, Merlin, care to join me in the tavern tonight?"

"Sure," he answered off-hand.

"It'll be a lot of fun- we're going to take bets on who can beat Percival in an arm wrestle and- did you just agree?"

"Yeah."

Gwaine simply stood in shock for a moment before grinning hugely and clapping Merlin on the back.

"Good to hear! I knew I'd wear you down eventually- ha!" The knight practically did a jig on his way out, already singing tavern songs under his breath.

Once he was gone Merlin's hands stilled in their task. _What did I just agree to? The tavern? Oh well, I'll worry about that later._

* * *

Evening came and Arthur dismissed him for the night with a surly "Get some sleep, Merlin, this infernal efficiency is driving me mad." Having nothing better to do he did just that, wandering back to his quarters and falling into bed to stare at the ceiling. _Didn't I have something- right, the tavern. Hm._

Deciding it wasn't important he rolled over and blew out his candle, lying in darkness until sleep came.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Wow guys, I honestly thought this would be the sort of thing I'd only be writing for myself. Thanks for all the support! Don't worry, it's not going to take a few months for Merlin to run the course as it did me; the Camelot crew will be unnaturally attentive and speed things along ;)

Lesley: *Prolonged warm, fuzzy hugs*

* * *

He woke just as the pre-dawn light began to peek through his window- it didn't even register that the shutters had been open all night as he once more got up and dressed mechanically. Gaius was still sleeping, but Merlin's share of last night's supper sat on the table untouched.

_I guess I should- I don't think I ate anything yesterday, after all._

Shoving a wedge of cheese in his mouth and grimacing at the unwanted flavor on his tongue he gave up any further consumption for the moment, instead putting the bread in his pocket.

* * *

"Rise and Shine," he stated without the usual energy. Arthur snorted and rolled over in bed. The servant sighed and removed the blanket, dropping it on the floor and leaving the king to flounder in the sudden chill whilst he moved to the wardrobe and pulled out the first shirt and trousers he found, draping them over the screen. Grumbling mostly finished, the blond had the shirt nearly settled over his shoulders before stopping in his tracks.

"Merlin."

"Yes?"

"This is Guinevere's."

"Really? It was in your wardrobe."

"Yes, and who do you suppose put it there? _Hm?_"

"I'll fetch you another."

"That would be good." A wad of brightly-colored material hit him in the face. "_Mer_lin."

"What?"

"This is bright pink- where did you even _find_ this? No, nevermind. Get me something else."

"What's it matter? You're just going to put your chain mail over it."

"_Merlin._"

"Fine."

Later Arthur would find himself longing for that small spark of defiance as Merlin mindlessly followed his orders to the letter. Holding the hoop steady for jousting practice, changing out his weapons without being asked, even running with the target without comment.

He was considering confronting the man when Gwaine got there first.

"Merlin! We missed you at the tavern last night!"

"Oh, I... forgot."

The knight frowned at the careless tone in those words. "You know, Merlin, if this is your new way of getting rid of me without having to argue I'd much prefer it if you just say 'no'." He waited for a moment and, when no response was forthcoming, turned and walked away looking hurt and slightly angry. Arthur expected the servant to go trotting after his friend, a ready apology on his lips, but instead he simply returned to polishing the sword in his hands.

_This is not right._

Squaring his shoulders, he marched up to his friend and coughed. The pale man looked up expectantly.

"Merlin, you'd tell me if there were something wrong, wouldn't you?"

The servant cocked his head, looking confused.

"You know you can talk to me, right? We are... f-friends, after all." He _did not_ stutter on the word, it was just a suppressed sneeze.

"Why would you think there's something wrong?" Those blue eyes seemed genuinely curious.

"Why would I-? Merlin, you've not been acting like yourself at all!"

"Really? I haven't noticed anything different..." dark brows furrowed.

"You've not spoken even two sentences at a time since this morning and you just dismissed Gwaine as if he were dirt on your shoe! You've been dreadfully efficient and I don't think you've stolen a single sausage in two days!"

"Gwaine? I didn't- shouldn't you be pleased I'm doing my job?"

"If it were anyone else I _would_ be, but _something_ is wrong here."

Merlin was frowning slightly, but then all expression just seemed to melt off his face.

"I see. I'll... work on that Si- er, Arthur," and with that he stood and walked off, leaving his work unfinished.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: You may have already realized, but Merlin will be a bit odd for the entirety of this piece and you may wonder "why isn't he thinking/doing this?" etc. -but this is based from my own experience and I've recaptured those feelings (or lack thereof) as well as I can; it will not and _should not_ seem logical in the grander sense.

Lesley: *More hugging*

In fact, hugs all 'round!

* * *

Merlin's feet made the journey to his room without any conscious guidance. He sat on the bed, staring out the still-open window. Countless moments passed in the silence of his mind before the tension fled from his body and he found himself lying on one side. His ears were just beginning to ring when a lump under his hip drew attention to itself. It was the bread from that morning.

His fingers made short work of the food, tearing it into bits and pressing them through unresisting lips which then closed as his mouth worked out of habit. Once the bread was gone a cup of water was summoned to his hand, surprising the warlock slightly before he drank. He extended his arm slightly to return the vessel to his bedside table, but not enough. He didn't even flinch when the pottery hit the floor, rolling about and spilling the liquid that had remained.

Arm lying lax where he'd stretched it, the servant gave a slight sigh and went to sleep.

* * *

Gaius returned to his chambers and began preparing lunch, hoping Merlin would have the time to join him today. He'd just settled the pot over the fire when he noticed his ward's door was cracked open. Was he here already?

The old man shuffled up the steps and knocked lightly. "Merlin?"

There was no reply but he pushed the door open the rest of the way, heart seizing at what he saw.

His surrogate son was crumpled awkwardly atop the cot, feet on the floor on one side with arm dangling over the opposite edge. Below the limp hand was a wet trail leading to a chipped cup.

"Merlin!" He leapt forward and grabbed his boy by the shoulders, shaking him slightly. "Merlin! Answer me!"

Pale lids rose to reveal clear blue eyes looking back at him from a calm face.

"Merlin... are you alright?"

"Yeah."

The physician relaxed slightly, leaning back as Merlin sat up and shrugged off his weathered hands.  
"You scared me half to death! When I saw- I thought someone had poisoned you!"

The young man seemed unfazed by this, simply gazing back serenely.

This was a bit unnerving, but Gaius put it down to simple fatigue. Merlin did tend to get quiet every now and then when his hectic schedule caught up with him.

"Well, I've made lunch. Come and eat."

The two moved to the table in the main chamber and ate in silence until Merlin finished, rising and leaving to retrieve Arthur's meal without washing the dishes as he normally would.

Gaius watched after him worriedly, considering sneaking a sleeping draught into his dinner and telling Arthur the boy was ill.

* * *

Merlin put the tray of food on the table, unpleasantly aware of his own lunch sitting heavily in his stomach, and prepared the bath Arthur would be sure to demand before the afternoon's council session. Spotting the rejected shirts from that morning still on the floor he kicked them under the bed and vacated the room before the king showed up.

...

He had just started tending the hooves on Arthur's favorite horse when Gwaine crept in, looking like a guilty puppy that had been kicked.

"Merlin..." he flinched when the servant's expressionless face rose to meet his. "I wanted to apologize for... earlier." Merlin blinked but said nothing. "You know you can just tell me if I'm being too pushy, right? Don't want to turn out like the princess, after all!" The knight forced a smile as he tried to joke with his friend who simply blinked once more and returned to his task. "Merlin... say something." A low hum was the only response. Gwaine reached out and put a hand on one thin shoulder, "I'm worried about you, mate."

"No need- I'm fine," Merlin replied, moving out of reach to begin working on the next pair of hooves.

Gwaine stood there for a moment more, wanting to help but not knowing how. Giving up for the moment he turned, slipping out with a low "just know you can always talk to me, if you like."

* * *

Merlin worked well into the night, completing any chore that came to hand, and returned to the physician's chambers long after his guardian had fallen asleep. He barely glanced at the covered stew on the table before going to his own room and climbing under the covers, only bothering to kick off his boots before giving in to slumber.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: I shall attempt to have another chapter of this up today or tomorrow. Probably only three or four left. Probably.

* * *

He woke to sunlight in his eyes and rolled over, grumbling. He would have gone back to sleep had the sheer _oddness_ of the situation not pulled him awake. The room was silent. Arthur sat up, not even noticing the cold on his now-bare chest.

"Guinevere?"

The queen stepped out from behind the dressing screen, wearing her day shift but not yet having gotten a gown.

"Yes, Arthur?"

"Where's Merlin?"

She shrugged, lower lip caught in her teeth in that nervous way it had often done when she had been a servant. "I don't know. When I woke everything was already as you see it. I didn't even hear him."

The king looked around, noting the breakfast on the table, his outfit for the day draped over the screen, and the unnaturally clean floors. How could Merlin have possibly done all of this without making a sound- and why?

* * *

Merlin slipped into the armory, found Arthur's equipment, and cleaned it with a quick spell. It was barely mid-day and he had already completed all of his chores. He stared at the wall for several moments before his body rose of its own accord and started meandering toward the library.

Geoffrey didn't even spare the servant a glance when he stumbled in, too accustomed to the youth's noisy comings and goings and Merlin, likewise, gave no thought to the librarian. His feet wandered toward the most familiar section where bestiaries, herbals, and a certain goblin resided. The books were still in towers on the floor from the last time the warlock had been here and Merlin settled amidst the stacks, grabbing a tome at random and reading mindlessly.

Hours elapsed as he sat, sometimes staring blankly at a paragraph and sometimes flying through the pages, words passing by without making any impact on their reader. It wasn't until the night bell rang that Merlin noticed he'd conjured a ball of light subconsciously. Sighing, he rose and returned to his room.

Gaius raised an eyebrow at him, "Merlin! I haven't seen you all day! You must be hungry-"

The younger man shrugged, took the proffered bowl and shuffled up to his room without waiting to hear what else his guardian had to say. The stew was tasteless on his tongue and he soon sat the bowl aside, taking only fleeting notice of the cup still on the floor before pulling his blankets up and going to sleep. It didn't even occur to him that he had not taken Arthur his dinner.

* * *

The next few days passed in a similar manner. Merlin would rise before the sun, fulfill his duties with the aid of magic, then spend the afternoon hiding from the world before returning to his bed. He saw nearly no one during this time, only the occasional fellow servant- some of whom would press meals into his hands, insisting he was getting too skinny. He gave no thought to the piles of dirty dishes, food remains, and laundry littering his tiny room; simply navigating the mess to go about the day.

Today, however, Arthur was awake and waiting for him.

"Good morning, Merlin. You're up early."

The servant shrugged, setting the royal breakfast on the table and moving to open the curtains.

"I haven't seen you in days."

No response.

"_Mer_lin. Come here."

He turned and stood across from the king, dining table between them.

"Something's been bothering you. What is it?"

"Nothing," Merlin huffed. Why was everyone so sure there was something wrong with him?

"Then would you care to explain to me why another servant has had to bring my lunch and dinner for nearly a week now?"

_Oh..._

"My apologies, Sire. I'll be sure to bring them today," he bowed, paying no heed to the royal's protests as he walked out.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Writing these makes me sleepy... *thinks about taking her second nap of the day*

Marc: ? I didn't even say that Merlin is clumsy- that was simply your interpretation of the information given.

* * *

Arthur slammed a fist on the table, making the breakfast tray rattle and a few grapes escape onto the floor. That had not gone to plan.

Guinevere sat up in bed, squinting in the pre-dawn light and yawning. "So he wouldn't talk to you, then?"

The king growled under his breath, then schooled his features before facing his wife.  
"He insisted nothing is wrong and then just walked out while I was still talking! And when he answered me- Guinevere, it was like he hadn't used his voice in days!"

The two sat on the bed in concerned silence for a moment.

"I- may have an idea. The problem will be getting Merlin to go along with it," her lip was between her teeth again. Arthur would have found it endearing if it weren't for the circumstances.

"If it can bring Merlin back to us, I'll find a way."

* * *

He was sorting through the laundry, one of Arthur's shirts scrubbing itself in the background, when a scullery maid surprised him. He jumped, as did the maid when the shirt and brush fell and splashed soapy water on her.

"Oi! Watch where you're throwing things!" She scolded, quickly moving about her own work.

Merlin blinked._ I was almost caught just now..._ Good thing he hadn't needed to make up an excuse- that was beyond him at this point. _Maybe there _is_ something wrong with me... _He stared at his hands as if seeing them for the first time, feeling odd in his own skin.

"Merlin, the king's summoned you," he looked up to see cook giving him a sympathetic eye, "and take this- you're too thin!"

He took the apple and nodded his thanks, reluctantly making his way to the training grounds where Arthur should be at this time.

...

"There you are, Merlin," the blond said, smiling.

_Act natural._

"Ah, yes, ummm, Arthur. Did you need something?"

One eyebrow raised, "Guinevere and I would like to invite you to eat dinner with us this evening- as a friend."

Merlin stared at him, flummoxed. _What would I usually say to this? I guess I should agree... _"Alright."

Arthur looked like he wanted to say more, but settled for nodding, "We'll see you then- you're dismissed from your duties for the rest of the day so enjoy a bit of time off."

The servant bowed, already making his way to the library. _Was that normal? Does Arthur usually give me time off like that?_ It didn't _feel_ normal, but it seems he was no longer a good judge of such things.

As he passed a writing desk in the study area it occurred to him that Arthur had a speech to give tomorrow. _I should write it- I do that, right?_ He stared at the stacks of parchment and the quill ready to be inked but couldn't bring himself to even touch them let alone use either. _Maybe later_. He pulled a few more books off the shelves and sat against the wall.

Time crept inexorably on and before long it was dinner time.

_I should go... Arthur _did_ invite me, and I agreed... _Except he really didn't _want_ to go. He stared at the stacks of books for several moments, then stood. He didn't have it in him to care when he found himself lying in bed instead of eating dinner in the royal chambers.


	6. Chapter 6

"Rise and shine!"

Arthur groaned and rolled over, desperately trying to hold the covers in place as someone dragged them off.

"Fine, be late."

Grumbling, the king began to rise, freezing as he finally caught sight of Merlin. The servant was clearly trying to behave as he normally did, and equally clearly failing. His forced smile was painful to look at and the strain in his tone unsettled Arthur.

"Merlin..." _What is it? _He wanted so much to ask, but knew it would do no good. "...Ah, I apologize for canceling last night, but something came up in the lower town. Guinevere and I thought, perhaps, we could do breakfast instead?" He tried to keep the pleading from his tone without sounding too commanding- since when had Merlin turned into such a timid creature that he needed to watch how he spoke to him? His heart broke a little at the thought.

The servant twitched, confusion evident on his face for only a moment. "Oh, I- ah... no matter. I... didn't bring enough food for all of us. I'll go fetch some more."

"Stay here, Merlin. Guinevere will return with it shortly."

"The Queen shouldn't have to-"

"_Sit_, Merlin."

He did so, fidgeting under the table.

Arthur did likewise, nervous about going through with this plan.

They both jumped when Guinevere lead another servant into the room and directed him to place his tray of food on the table before letting himself out.

Gwen smiled uncertainly, "I would have brought it myself, but cook wouldn't stand for it."

Merlin made an effort at an answering grin, the weak attempt slipping from his face before coming to fruition. He made to rise and take the pitcher from Gwen, but was shooed back to his chair.

"Just sit. Here," she half-filled a goblet with wine, then topped it off with clear liquid from another pitcher. "Wouldn't want you drunk first thing in the morning- you know how you get," she joked lightly, setting the cup in front of him along with a full plate of food.

The servant hummed noncommittally and began picking at the rich breakfast while Gwen served Arthur and herself.

"So, Merlin... how have you been?"

"Fine."

The queen frowned a bit, "Have you heard from your mother recently?"

"She's fine too."

The royal couple exchanged looks of frustration over the servant who refused to look at them, instead staring at the sausage he was rolling back and forth on his plate.

"Why don't you have a drink? Your voice sounds scratchy," Arthur suggested in a too-innocent tone that Merlin failed to notice. He grunted and downed the liquid in one go, deadened senses never detecting the pungent taste of the sleeping draught.

Arthur and Guinevere watched him intently; holding their breath as he began to droop, then slumped over in his chair.

"Are we doing the right thing?" The king queried.

"We'll know before long," the queen answered, opening the door and beckoning for Gaius to enter.

The couple waited impatiently as the physician examined his ward.

"Well? What's wrong with him?" Arthur gripped his wife's hand tightly.

"Apart from a minor case of malnutrition there seems to be nothing physically wrong with him, Sire." The old man sighed, "I fear this may be a matter of the heart, and that is something I cannot heal with any potion."

"Then we shall follow Guinevere's plan. Guards!" Two men burst into the room, trying not to stare at the odd scene of the royal couple hovering over the unconscious servant. "Have three horses prepared- and summon Sir Gwaine."


	7. Chapter 7

Merlin slept peacefully the entire day, even strapped to a horse as he was. Arthur found that worrisome- no matter how convenient. The day had dragged on, neither Arthur nor Gwaine saying much as they traveled over hill and through forests. It was remarkable how silent it was- not a single living thing crossed their path aside from a pair of rabbits that would do nicely in that night's stew. Perhaps it really was Merlin's chatter that attracted undue attention on their trips? Regardless, the king found himself in want of that chatter. _If this doesn't work..._ He shook his head. _It _will_ work. _They should arrive in Ealdor tomorrow afternoon; hopefully Hunith had received the brief missive he had sent ahead. Now, however, it was time to make camp for the night. Arthur fussed over his manservant as Gwaine made a small fire and began preparations for dinner.

"Merlin- Merlin, wake up." The younger man mumbled and nuzzled his horse sleepily. "Snap out of it, idiot," he sniped without thinking, swatting the servant's head.

"Ugh- what?" Hazy blue eyes looked about in confusion, eventually settling on Arthur.

"Awake now? Time to set up camp, Merlin- come down off the horse."

Merlin sighed, then simply rolled off his mount, leaving Arthur to grab at him in a panic.  
"Merlin! What- are you _trying_ to give me a heart attack?"

Pushing aside his master's steadying hands, the servant shrugged and grabbed the gear from his horse, frowning at it slightly.

"This isn't my bedroll."

"No, it isn't. Yours is probably buried under a pile of rotting apples in that sty you call a room. Guinevere is having some servants clean it while we're gone. I couldn't even find a single clean tunic in that mess!" The very project was probably the only reason Arthur managed to convince her to stay in Camelot.

Checking inside the saddlebag, Merlin found a few of Arthur's outgrown clothes carefully stowed alongside the usual camp supplies.

Arthur was staring at him again. "Aren't you going to ask where we're going? How we got here?"

He shrugged, "Does it matter?" _Does anything?_ Earlier he had attempted to behave normally, but what was the purpose- and why should he have to? This is the way he is, he shouldn't have to pretend otherwise.

"What? Of course it matters, Merlin- are you listening to me?"

Not bothering to formulate a response, he rolled out the borrowed bedroll and lay down on it.

There was something inherently fascinating about watching leaves from below, at least Arthur assumed there must be as Merlin appeared to be thoroughly immersed in the experience.

Scowling, Arthur set to skinning the rabbits with a vengeance; Gwaine continuing to work on the herbs and vegetables for their stew.

* * *

Merlin had been silent the entire night, though he had at least eaten his bowl of stew when commanded, falling asleep shortly before Arthur woke Gwaine for second watch. The two had exchanged some worried conversation before the king settled down to sleep a short distance from his friend, Gwaine watching over the both of them in uncharacteristic solemnity.

They rose early, broke camp with barely a word spoken, and rode out with Merlin between the two warriors. If the peasant realized where they were going he made no indication, but then, there was no emotion to be seen on his smooth face.

Ealdor came into view just as Gwaine's stomach was beginning to growl, said rogue grinning sheepishly when Arthur turned to give him a raised eyebrow.

Hunith was already outside plying the fields when they dismounted, leading their horses as she hastened to greet them.

"Merlin!" She cried, enveloping her son in a warm embrace.

"Mother..." he stood stiffly for only a moment before encircling the woman in his own arms, head bowing to rest against hers as he inhaled her scent.

Arthur and Gwaine exchanged a glance. Clearly something had changed in that moment- hopefully it was for the better.


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: The end! It's probably anti-climactic for many of you, but as I stated earlier this is something I wrote for myself based on my own experience so if you don't like it then too bad :p

* * *

Merlin felt... _something_ break inside him as he hugged his mother. Some sort of wall being torn down. It was then he realized he had known. For at least a day now he had known that he could come out of this... whatever it was... if he only reached out to someone- he simply hadn't _wanted_ to. But even as he was now, he couldn't reject his mother.

They stayed like that for several moments, Merlin reveling in her comforting aura and Hunith clinging to her boy as if he would float away.

Gwaine and Arthur made themselves scarce, moving off to find lunch and give the little family some privacy. Seeing the two leave, Hunith's smile widened and she pulled Merlin toward his childhood home. "Come, I've got your favorite stew waiting over the fire and some fresh bread and fruit."

"Mother..." his voice filled with dismay. _She can't afford this..._

"None of that, just come and enjoy," she tugged his arm again and he followed her, the corners of his lips threatening to rise.

Unable to stay away, Arthur and Gwaine hovered outside the window with the bread and cheese they'd managed to buy. At first it was only Hunith talking, sharing mundane happenings and village gossip with a silent Merlin; but eventually he began to interject, recalling stories of life in Camelot or memories of his childhood in Ealdor. But it wasn't until they heard Merlin laugh- it was rough and hesitant, but genuine- that they were able to relax and give up their eavesdropping to set up camp on the village outskirts.

Hunith found them that evening and invited the pair in for dinner, not that they could have refused- but she was too polite to demand.

Merlin was already seated at the table, hunched in on himself and awkwardly averting his eyes. "G-good evening Arthur, Gwaine."

"Good to hear your voice, Merlin!" Gwaine grinned, barely stopping himself from clapping his friend on the back.

"...Yeah," his voice was even smaller, but a smile was gradually forming on his face.

Hunith rubbed his back encouragingly and served dinner, the four of them crowded around the small table and modest meal.

The servant's conversation was sparse and stilted, but it was clear he was making an effort and they were relieved to see him finish his food without prompting. Afterward Hunith offered her home to the knights but the two gently declined, returning to their camp for the night. 

A new day dawned and Arthur and Gwaine rose to see mother and son working the land together, Merlin smiling openly and honestly as he helped with the harvest.

They stayed two more days, each seeing Merlin closer to his old self, before reluctantly saying their goodbyes and turning back toward Camelot.

"You could stay longer, Merlin," Arthur offered.

"No... it was nice, but my place is by your side," he gave a shy smile, then refocused on guiding his horse.  
The emotional moment had barely begun when Gwaine ruined it.

"And my place is in the tavern! For the love of The Rising Sun!" He galloped forward, leaving his companions to catch up, trailing laughter.

* * *

That night Arthur sent Gwaine out to gather firewood as he settled next to Merlin on a fallen tree.

"Would you like to talk about it?"

Merlin looked at him, incredulous, then returned to staring into the fire.  
"I can't really... I don't know how to put it into words... what I was feeling or even why it happened. I just woke up one morning and nothing seemed to have any importance. This- this trip has helped but I still need to put extra effort into... this," he made a vague gesture at the two of them. "I think it'll get better as long as I stay around people, but it's- it's hard." He hugged himself, bringing his knees up and tucking his chin behind them.

"It'll be okay, Merlin," Arthur lightly rested one hand on his friend's shoulder, "we'll help you through this."

Gwaine chose that moment to blunder back into camp, unceremoniously dumping his armload of branches by the fire pit. "Have you lot started talking already? I haven't even gotten the mead out yet!"

Merlin rolled his eyes. Yes, he wasn't quite himself yet, but with friends like these by his side it was only a matter of time.


End file.
